here without you...

she left me when i just found the courage to tell everyone about my love. the first month was nice... but to end the month like this isn't what i expected. so here i am, sad, devastated, without her, missing her..

she said i treat her best. i was the most caring boyfriend she ever had. i was willing to do anything for her and her friends were all jealous about her. but she had to end it even though it was a dream come true for me. to her, she felt guilty, for not loving me as much as i do. i don't mind. as long as she love me, more or less, i don't mind. then she said that she can't seem to get that elevated feeling... that happiness which i was feeling... that high which i was in... maybe i expressed myself too much until she felt that guilt... she only wanted to be fair to me. it was hard for me to accept, but hey, it is not the end of the world right... i feel that i still have a chance...

so what about those promises? we've planned so many things... the keychains we wanted to make... the photos we wanted to take in the studio... the celebrations we planned together... the trips for me to penang... i thought we were going strong... but it seems that i was blinded. i just can't understand why she wanted to leave me, since we have already planned so much. or rather why would she want to plan so much when she knew very well that she wanted to leave me? :( i'm really sad and confused, but for the time being, i just want to chill...

everything, since the beginning of the month, seem so unreal... seem so unbelieveable... i'll let things settle down... think about the past month... and carry on with my life as it used to be, lonely, longing, waiting for her.

i feared, it happened.

so it happened today. nothing i could do to stop it... i am lame. fuck it.

insecure

everytime i hear her voice, i feel as if i'm lifted up. my mood gets high, and i feel so nice talking to her. bad things seem to be okay, sadness become happiness, everything seem so nice when i talk to her, when i hear her voice, when i gets her attention. it's something i can't describe in words. it's something very meaningful to me, and something i want to hold on for as long as i can.

if someone were to ask me who i like most after all these years, i'd answer without doubt that it is the girl which i think of when it rains, the girl i think of when i see pizza, the girl i think of when i come across the word 'lame'. but if someone ask me now, who i like most, the only person which comes across my mind is the girl which i have searched for more than one year. the girl i've longed to be with since i first met her. the girl i'll always relate to mcD. the girl i've been ever so close with, the girl i've became so emotionally attached to. she is this special person which gave me this special feeling where i'll always feel special...

but lately, i fear one thing, she might leave me some day. insecurity perhaps? i trust her with all my heart. but it's the absence that worries me. i've always told myself that absence makes the heart grow fonder. but it seems so hard to hold on to what i believe. i want to believe. but it's sad that i want to be with her right now, at this very moment... i want to assure her that she's the girl i like most. things seem so hard for me. i've been worrying myself too much. worried sick. sick worrying. i dunno.

i really hope, really wish, really pray that she'll be beside me no matter what happens for as long as time lives...love ya.

2 weeks later...

yea, school just reopened, and guess what? only one morning class on friday!! what else? up north again, but this time, a 5 hour journey. but it was worth the time!!!

it's so nice to see her again!!! after two dull weeks, i saw her again!!! this time, the trip was seriously rushed!! went there on friday, came back on saturday!! and time really flew freaking fast!!! before i know it, i'm already back here in this dull, lifeless, meaningless place again!!!

well this time, things are more organized... i am more comfortable with her company. but i'm still a bit awkward with some situations... but i'm sure i'll handle it well! :) for her i will! :)

friday was a very short day, only a few hours left when i reached there. then saturday was okay, but i still feel i should stay a day more... but i had some stuff to do back here, which i can't avoid... so had to come back on saturday... i am already missing her... when will my next trip be? i hope it'll be sometime soon... :(

i have already waited for so long, and i'm so glad i've finally found you. i want to be with you as long as time will ever live...

2nd & 3rd june

i made an hour journey up north from home to look for someone. i missed her for a week before i could see her again... and things turned out well... i was so happy to meet her again!!! my heart was flying, and i swear my heart missed a few beats when i saw her again, walking down that overhead bridge.. she was as pretty as i imagined. i would not forget her.. no no... won't forget her...

i spent the day there with her... it was nice... really nice... what else can i ask for when i'm with the person i want to be with? :) it was heaven...

but things ended so fast!!! :( i didn't want it to end... i can't bear the seperation again!!! :(